FATUMA AND THE JINI by Hussein Muchiri

FATUMA AND THE JINI

Hussein Muchiri

Finally, our guy from christian background and chaste history have joined us fornicators. The only difference is that his was a bit involuntary and impromptu, but karma is never questioned.

So last Friday  at around 8.00pm my guy was seated on his Bob-mill sofa from Bush Furniture when his  iPhone rang. He picked and a feminine voice came. "Where are you?" She asked. After confirming he was in his house, the girl said she would be there in a few minutes. He couldn't remember her well, but after arrival he recalled she was a girl they sat on the same seat in a Lopha Bus when headed to town.

As social as always, he welcomed her and gave her fruits as he continued cooking ugali beef for their supper. His assumption was it was a brief visit then the lady would leave as they had no plans for the visit whatsoever. At 10.00pm they had their supper. The lady finished first, and stretched her huge trunk on the sofa to rest. Her name was Naliaka. They had a lot of stories together for the better part of that evening. Shocker was at 11.20pm when the lady asked for something she could sleep in. Rober realized his goose was cooked. His knees got weak; his spine had chills. But after three Hail Marys and two signs of the  cross, he was strong again. So he passed to her his favorite saggy pants for her to try, but she saw no need as she was twice as big as the pants. He gave her a Lesso that was left behind by her ex girlfriend. She was content. She made his always untidy bed and they headed to slumber-land.

After switching off the lights, and getting tuck in between the sheets, some warmth started encroaching. That is normal enough. Trouble was when the lady put her hand on Rober's chest. With newly grown hair in that region, he wouldn't take chances with illegal entrants who might decide to do some deforestation there. So he threw off the hand, which astonished the lady. She tried  again with similar results. But she did not give up...after several trials she succeeded.  Getting into details got Fatuma into Jini's hands and her nose got pulled. So ignore the details a little bit.

Rober the innocent, was taken through a step by step  guide on how to hit it till the devil changes his religion center from hell to heaven. Round one was a struggle but quite a success. Round two was better. Round three and four will soon occupy your Guinness book of records in 2017. The house was smoking hot than Jeff Koinange Live(JKL). My guy was all smiles despite being totally worn out,he was feeling like he  had won the Olympics. Unknown  to him, he was not halfway through.

He turned over to catch some sleep. The lady shook him so hard that he vibrated like a Tecno smartphone. He woke up startled and asked what the problem was. The lady, quite shocked, asked "tunne tu?"(only four rounds?). Rober never saw that coming. He quickly composed himself and answered " that's enough for today. There is always a next time." The lady screamed a big no, like she had met the guys featured in Wrong Turn 5. The neighbours were now woken up by that scream.  The girl saw that Rober had no intentions to "get on top". She tasked  herself with the leader's role. I hear them(#Thuglife) calling it BJ (whatever it is). Rober told us that the last time anything was sucked that hard was when their only cousin had developed respiratory problems. He got twitchy and pooooof! He busted. The process was repeated thrice amid screams and moans of the poor guy. The neighbours in the spirit of Nyumba Kumi Initiative were now gathering and preparing weapons for a rescue mission for our guy. Before they could strike, the moans died and deep snores ensued.

The next morning, Nalias requested Rober to go for breakfast. Robert came back with a packet of milk to cook tea and half a loaf of bread. The girl, looking shocked asked "kwani Rober haukulangi mkate?" Just like that,Robert was out of the bread's budget. So the lady squarely and fairly dealt with the half loaf alone. That startled my guy but with previous night experience he did not mind. Afterwards they showered and headed to the bus stage to see off Naliaka.


*********
On coming back, all neighbours were at his door seeking answers to the noise at night. Some wanted to know whether the lady was from Nyeri county. A trusted source intimated that Rober had not gone to work since then and his joints are extremely dry he cannot even bend his knees. And he is looking for a vacant house elsewhere because he cannot withstand the nosy neighbours. Contact him if your plot have a vacant house to let.