THE HEIGHT OF HATE SPEECH
Hussein Muchiri
Those who personally know mwaura karagu may have heard him blow his trumpet on how he went to Mombasa on air and return by bus. Little is known of the trip, and the day to expose chaff from grains for all to see is nay. Take your seats and carry a blanket, in case a handkerchief is not enough to wipe your tears of sadness and pity.
On one tuesday morning while coming from a rough sleep-over(thats a story for another day), Karagu boarded one of the Lopha buses to town. He found a two seat empty space an occupied his, leaving room for another passenger. Then a plus-size woman came and occupied the seat. She was so huge that Karagu could not breathe properly from the squeeze. Salty sweat odour was the newest perfume in the bus. Karagus shirt had a lion's share of that, with her armpit completely covering his chest. His morals could not let him complain. He had been taught to respect the less advantaged in the society. To win his way out of the situation, he told the lady "my legs have got numb. Let me stand instead." That way, my guy left his seat and involuntarily commuted to town while standing. Some giggles from passengers laughing at him were the greatest tormentor. When they finally alighted, the madam pulled him her way and whispered, "your legs have nothing wrong. Its the discomfort you were running from." Karagu and his manners almost denied but the madam cut him short "sssssssh. Its usual. Am used to it. Have my card and give me a call." Thats how they exchanged contacts.
Later in the day karagu called and the madam apologized profusely for the morning incident. In fact, she confessed that the guilty was troubling her conscience so much and she wished she could do something to change that. As an eye and ear witness, i swear with all my village ancestors and elders that karagu said more that 15 "don't mind madam am okey". The madam saw no hope forthcoming and she could not beat around the bush anymore. So she told him "why can't i take you to mombasa as a compensation this weekend?" Karagu almost objected, but the lady said her dictionary does not have no for answers. That how Mr. Mwaura Karagu toured the coastal region. Or how else did you expect a mere teacher, surviving on meagre peanuts and groundnuts for a pay, to fund luxury trips? Other teachers are busy demonstrating and rallying behind sossion and he is busy globe trotting and site viewing.. now you know.
Mwaura asked whether he should help her book a bus seat, near a window, because he has a cousin of a friend who works at Channia Genesis, those thika like buses that commute to coast. The lady in a full socialite's voice said she does not do buses. In fact, she had already booked 2 KQ tickets. After hearing that he will board a plane, i can attest without fear or contradiction that mwaura slept with his shoes that day, their muddy state not withstanding. He packed his clothes two days earlier.
*******
Mwaura filled our timelines and whatsapp groups with photos of him at the airport. Right from the gate to the staircase into the plane. All the moments were captioned "mombasa here i come". 45mins, photos of him looking exactly how goat matata looked while reading an inverted newspaper flocked our timelines, complete with sunglasses. The photos had the hashtag #SummerBunnyManenoz, whatever that means. Jealous and envy covered us like corruption. It was all over. Surely, the prophecy that God will turn your shame to fame was no fallacy.
Fast foward
The next day after arrival, my phone rang at 6am. I ignored. After the caller persistently called 5more times, i decided to check. It was karagu. I wondered what could have made him call so early. He sounded shaken, " please send me 700 i will explain later. Please now, its urgent." I almost retorted "i don't have(sina)", but he cut me short with "jua mahali utakopa". That was the end of the beginning. He sent me 5 flashbacks(please call me). I called and he told me he had no credit so i send him 50. I almost called him a genetical crossbreed of satan and sorcerer, but it was a sabbath to seventh day adventists. So i sent him the credit. Even a thank you sms was alien to my inbox. He kept quiet just like that. But because we serve a living God, he wrongly sent an sms meant for his sponsorress to me.
"Pole kwa kukusumbua. Lakini umenihurt sana kuniambia nimekupaka uchafu. Urefu ni Mungu hupeana, upana hutoka kwa chakula, kifuniko cha biro unachokidharau ni zawadi kutoka kwa Mungu. It will one day grow long."
Came an sms from him quickly followed by "oh shit, not yours".
That evening, i met him at the Chania Bus stop almost fighting with a conductor because the conductor had refused to give ksh.50, because mwaura had bargained for the fare to be 650 not 700. From his looks, he looked like he had come from a porcupine's hole. He was the exact replica or the prodigal son.
I took him to Kamiri Hotel River Road, where amid tears, he narrated how the woman had expected him to last 90mins like a football match, and he lasted meagre 2mins like a movie preview despite sweating 3buckets of water and 2 buckets of fat. He was kicked out unceremoniously and the bouncers instructed should he been seen anywhere near the vicinity of the hotel they had booked, he should be given a dog's beating. She did not even ask if he had money on him.
Wacha niende nikaombee mwaura kwanza nitarudi.
